When your teen is failing classes, it can feel like you’re fighting a losing battle. Many teens struggle with the demands of high school courses and new responsibilities — but some are also overwhelmed with mental health struggles.
In this article, we’ll help you understand what to do about your teen failing high school, and that poor grades are usually a symptom of other issues. We’ll guide you to identify those issues, and provide strategies that all parents can use to help teens overcome academic challenges.
Understanding the Root Causes
When your child is struggling, it can be easy to focus on them as the locus of the problem — and avoid reviewing your own behaviour to see if there’s room for improvement. Parenting is hard, and parenting a teen requires a new level of emotional maturity and new set of skills than you needed to parent a young child.
To really address the root causes of poor academic performance, ask yourself some questions first:
Next, examine your teen’s behaviour. There are many common reasons for academic struggles, including learning difficulties, interpersonal issues, or low mood. Ask yourself:
- Did my teen begin to show poor performance suddenly, or did it develop over time?
- Does my teen have other behaviour issues like aggression, poor time-management, or excessive daydreaming?
- Has anything changed for my teen in their relationships? This can include a break-up, a fight with a friend, or your introducing a new partner or spouse.
- Is my teen using alcohol or drugs?
- Has my teen experienced any trauma, such as bullying or the death of a family member?
These questions can help you to get both perspective and empathy for what your teen might be struggling with. Getting at the root cause of bad grades is the way to ensure lasting positive change. This reflection can help you discover clues to the issue behind your child’s bad grades, but it’s equally important to engage them in conversation about their problems. This advice column from The Washington Post offers a powerful re-frame for parents who feel like they’ve “done everything” to correct their child’s behaviour.
Remember that low motivation can be a sign of depression. Speak to your teen about the importance of fostering good mental health, and look for signs of depression: withdrawal from family relationships, quitting once-loved after-school activities or hobbies, losing contact with friends, and fights or bullying at school.
Strategies for Supporting Your Teen
While you may feel at the end of your rope trying to figure out what to do about your teen failing high school, it’s important to engage them with compassion when you discuss the root cause of their low grades. Most children fear disappointing their parents. When grades fall, sometimes this fear can become overwhelming and paralysing, leading them to keep avoiding the problem instead of fixing it.
To begin the discussion, ask them about the stressors in their life. A good way to structure the discussion is to focus on “what” questions, instead of “why” questions. For example, “What’s going on in English class?” is better than “Why is English so hard for you?”. Why questions can lead to excuses, blaming teachers, and other non-answers. What questions will help your teen to share the facts of the situation.
When you get a clearer picture of their issues, you can ask questions that will lead to a plan for how you can help them create more structure for homework time and studying. These questions can include:
Understanding Teen Development and Mental Health
During the teen years, we all work on developing an identity outside of our parents, and gaining more independence. These developmental tasks are often the source of stress and conflict in relationships with parents, and can help to explain why your teen is struggling in school. Forming their adult identity can result in classic teenage rebellion. Non-conformity and non-compliance can lead to self-defeating behaviours that are also huge sources of stress for parents: slacking on homework, avoiding chores, and stonewalling you when you try to speak to them. Instead of letting their grades become a battleground, try connecting with them by telling them about your own teenage struggles. Be curious and learn more about the identities they’re trying on, and find ways to give them the freedom they crave, within reasonable limits.
Teens can also begin struggling with anxiety during high school. Peer pressure is constant, and many young adults who feel chronic anxiousness may cope with the feelings by avoiding stressful tasks, escaping into distractions like social media or video games instead. If your teen seems to be avoiding homework and other responsibilities, try speaking to them about symptoms of anxiety and see what resonates.
Strategies for Connecting with Teachers
While your teen may ask you not to speak to their teachers, it’s important to talk to them to get a full picture of the problem. The goal, however, is not only to understand what’s wrong, but also to make a solid plan for getting your teen back on track. You should consider your child’s teacher a part of your team, and look to them to provide information, resources, and extra help outside of class time.
When speaking with teachers, also be sure to compare your teen’s account of their behaviour with their instructors. When grades are falling, some teens will lie or hide the truth from their parents to avoid punishment or disappointing their loved parent. The point of checking their story is not to “catch them” in the lie, but to ensure you’re getting the full picture of what’s going on so that you can get to the root causes of the problem.
When to Seek Professional Help
If your teen’s grades fall suddenly, this can be a sign of mental distress. Engage them in discussion as explained above, and be on the alert for signs of mental health issues. If your teen admits to symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other problems, should seek advice from a licensed therapist or family counsellor. Consider that the upheaval of the pandemic might also be the source of their stress and issues with school.
If your teen’s issues seem to be around organisation, remembering their responsibilities, or paying attention in class, you might consider speaking to your family doctor about screening for ADHD or other learning difficulties.
Regardless of more serious issues, you can also consider private tutoring for your teen. A positive relationship with an adult outside of school or family can do wonders for their self-confidence, in addition to helping them improve their grades and take a renewed interest in their schoolwork.
The Power of Excellent Tutoring: Learn from our founder Omar Andani about his journey from an unmotivated teen to a successful MBA grad, thanks to an inspiring tutor. A letter to my younger self: The TutorLyft journey
Conclusion
As a parent, your job is to stay involved, be consistent, patient and supportive when it comes to your child’s academic journey. It’s not always easy to give as much time as needed, and teens may try to push their parents away during difficult times. However, being there for them in an emotional capacity will have much better results than a cycle of punishment and reward, with no discussion of accountability. Remember, too, that changing bad grades into good grades is a group effort: You as a parent, your child’s teachers, and themselves as a student. You all must pull together and do your part to help their growth and change their attitude about learning.
For more information on how to be a supportive parent and cope successfully with the teen years, be sure to sign up for our new (and free!) Parent’s Community Corner.
